A Loss of Self

I have noticed that since I started college I have changed. I know, you all are probably thinking, "Well, duh!" But this isn't in a good way. A lot of people describe the college experience as an awakening, but for me it has been more of a dying. I have lost so much confidence in myself. I used to be the girl who raised her hand so much that teachers would start to ask "Anyone else?" before calling on me. I was never afraid to give my opinion, even if that meant telling someone they're full of shit in front of my entire class. Now, though, I sit in class praying that the teacher doesn't consider speaking the only form of participation. I almost never speak in class. When I do, it is just to quote from a book, never to give an opinion.

I wasn't that way in the beginning. Fall quarter of freshman year you could hardly get me to shut up in class. The only time I didn't have something to say was in Arabic, where I didn't have enough vocabulary to express coherent opinions. It seems that the old Erika began to die during Winter Quarter. I took a class on the history of the African diaspora. There were some very Afrocentric students in that class. One in particular seemed to take everything as somehow being racist. I never felt comfortable enough in that class to speak, let alone speak my mind! Ever since, I feel like I haven't been the same.

I have been reevaluating my life recently and realized that I don't like the person that I have become over the past two years. I have gone from a loud, opinionated, smart-ass with know-it-all tendencies to a quiet, meek little doormat who cares more about how people see her than what feels right. I've noticed it in my writing. When I compare the writing I have done recently to my writings from high school, there is a noticeable change. While I have improved technically, I have lost the creative, quirky flair that made my writing fun and interesting. However, that might be due to the fact that I've written nothing but research papers for the past two years ;)

College is supposed to make you a better person and prepare you for the big, scary world out there but the jury is still out on that one. Yes, I don't feel as miserable, but is that just because I hardly feel anything at all? The only thing I really feel right now is remorse for the part of me that I've lost and sadness that she may never be found again.




I know, what a depressing first post! This has been weighing on my mind and I started this blog because I needed a place to express it. Don't worry, it won't always be this way.

Erika America